I am an eternal optimist always searching for a silver lining, but there are days when finding the little ray of hope in your heart is like finding a needle in a haystack, even for me.
I know I am profoundly loved, I know that I am profoundly blessed. I know that I have an amazing network of people in my life who build me up, spur me on and encourage me to fly. Even so, as a thirty something married mom of two, there is still one whom I seek approval from. There is still one that has a permanent place in my heart, one that I want to please, to make proud, to find approval with, yet I fear that may never come.
It is hard to hold on to hope after decades of heart ache. It is hard to not lose grip when your knuckles are blanched and your cheeks are stained with tears. It is hard not to lose heart, lose your temper and throw caution to the wind.
But it is harder still to let go.
In my mind, letting go implies that you don’t care, that you are better off alone or that you think you can do better. This couldn’t be further from the truth, but sometimes letting go is exactly what we need to do, because in holding on to something with both hands we can’t reach out and grab the opportunities in life that are passing us by.
In holding on to a relationship that is not reciprocated we can limit our lives. In clinging to the coffin praying for a resurrection, we could find ourselves inadvertently buried too.
God didn’t create me to hold onto someone else’s coat tails or hang on their every word. He created me to stand tall, be who He called me to be and step out into my own God-given destiny.
Jesus didn’t die so that I could be held back by someone who won’t hold me. He died so that He could hold me in His own arms, so that He could take my hand and lead me through the valleys to the mountain tops.
Jesus’ love is like a balm that soothes even the deepest wound, however amidst my own sense of injustice I suddenly remembered that Jesus loves them as much as He loves me. He doesn’t take sides, He sees them through the eyes of His loving Father, He sees their hurt and heartache too, He knows every hair on their head and He wants to wrap His ever-loving arms around them as tightly as He can.
Love isn’t easy and it sure isn’t pretty. I am called to love and love is what I will do as long as I live, but loving doesn’t mean limiting myself. Loving means forgiveness and the liberty to move on, regardless of whether your loved one chooses to follow suit.
I wrote a song this week and here is a snapshot of the lyrics that poured out of my heart;
After all this time, you’d think I’d realise
After all this time, you’d think I see the lies
After all these years you’ve brought me tears its true,
Now the time has come, I’m done chasing you.
But oh, I still want to make you see,
The woman you made in me.
The one who holds her head up high, The one who looks to the sky,
But oh, now I know, its time to let you go.
I will never ever stop loving, and I will never ever stop living in hope that things will one day be different. But until then, I need to let go of what won’t hold me and reach out to the One who will.
Thank you Jesus that You will never ever let me go.